Those Irish

How to get to Heaven - from Ireland
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. 
           
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into  heaven?"

 

"NO!"  the children answered.

 

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

 

Again, the answer was "NO!"  By now I was starting to smile. 

 

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into  heaven?"

Again, they all answered "NO!"

I  was just bursting with pride for them.  I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year-old boy shouted out, "YUV GOTTA BE  FOOKN' DEAD!"

 

("It's a curious race, the Irish.")

=

Update from the CDC

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.  This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).  If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!  This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.  If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract ( WINE ) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter ( BEER ).  Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.  If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life and you need to take action immediately.  

Patty Pat Down, the new TSA employee

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101115/ap_on_bi_ge/us_airport_security#mwpphu-container

1)      I’m trained in pat-downs – a job opportunity.

2)      Will be avoiding the airlines as a passenger.

3)      How about strip searches for everyone?  Waiting for someone to put a famous person’s airport “x-ray” on the Internet, and the resulting lawsuit.

4)      An increase in private airplanes and jets.

 by Judy Hobbs

Suzie the Dino - true story...

Date: Aug 12, 2010 8:17 AM
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August 12: General Interest
1990 : Skeleton of Tyrannosaurus rex discovered

On this day in 1990, fossil hunter Susan Hendrickson discovers three huge bones jutting out of a cliff near Faith, South Dakota. They turn out to be part of the largest-ever Tyrannosaurus rex skeleton ever discovered, a 65 million-year-old specimen dubbed Sue, after its discoverer.

Amazingly, Sue's skeleton was over 90 percent complete, and the bones were extremely well-preserved. Hendrickson's employer, the Black Hills Institute of Geological Research, paid $5,000 to the land owner, Maurice Williams, for the right to excavate the dinosaur skeleton, which was cleaned and transported to the company headquarters in Hill City. The institute's president, Peter Larson, announced plans to build a non-profit museum to display Sue along with other fossils of the Cretaceous period.

In 1992, a long legal battle began over Sue. The U.S. Attorney's Office claimed Sue's bones had been seized from federal land and were therefore government property. It was eventually found that Williams, a part-Native American and member of the Cheyenne River Sioux tribe, had traded his land to the tribe two decades earlier to avoid paying property taxes, and thus his sale of excavation rights to Black Hills had been invalid. In October 1997, Chicago's Field Museum purchased Sue at public auction at Sotheby's in New York City for $8.36 million, financed in part by the McDonald's and Disney corporations.

Sue's skeleton went on display at the Field Museum in May 2000. The tremendous T.rex skeleton--13 feet high at the hips and 42 feet long from head to toe--is displayed in one of the museum's main halls. Another exhibit gives viewers a close-up view of Sue's five foot-long, 2,000-pound skull with its 58 teeth, some as long as a human forearm.

Sue's extraordinarily well-preserved bones have allowed scientists to determine many things about the life of T.rex. They have determined that the carnivorous dinosaur had an incredible sense of smell, as the olfactory bulbs were each bigger than the cerebrum, the thinking part of the brain. In addition, Sue was the first T.rex skeleton to be discovered with a wishbone, a crucial discovery that provided support for scientists’ theory that birds are a type of living dinosaur. One thing that remains unknown is Sue's actual gender; to determine this, scientists would have to compare many more T.rex skeletons than the 22 that have been found so far.

i dunno...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Driving in New Jersey...

 

Seriously, there are only two things needed to drive effectively in NJ:   A horn and a middle finger.  Everything else is superfluous, including knowing where you are going.                                               For those of you who live in Jersey or have lived there, these things may come as no surprise.  For those who haven't travelled there before,  Beware, Be Prepared and Be Afraid,,,, Be Very Afraid.                      1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Nork - rhymes with Fork, not New-ark.  Also, Trenton is not pronounced Tren-ton, it is Trent-in.                                                                  2. The morning rush hour is from 5 AM to NOON. The evening rush hour is from NOON to 7 PM.   Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.      3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the parkway it's 105 or 110.  Anything less is considered "Sissy.." (Just ask the former Governor of NJ)                                                    4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules.   For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop;  the trucks with the biggest tires go second; However, in Monmouth and Burlington counties, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.                        5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.                                                    6. Never honk at anyone.  EVER !  Seriously.  It's another offense that can get you shot.                                                          7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey .  Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.                                                                  8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the homeless feeding on any of these items.  9. MapQuest does NOT work here -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike EZ Pass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.          10. If someone actually has their Turn Signal ON, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."                                                                11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered  a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.  If you return the flip, you'll be shot.                                    12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday appointments, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.                      SAFE DRIVING ! ! !

 

http://www.boredville.com/32146/All-The-Wrinkled-Ladies

Beyonce Spoof

Jersey Tomato

An old Italian lived alone inNew Jersey    He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.   His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:   Dear Vincent,   I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant  my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would  be over. I know you would be happy to dig  the plot for me , like in the old days.  Love, Papa   A few days later he received a letter from his son.   Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.  Love, Vinnie   At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived  and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old manï and left.   Thatï same day the old man received another letter from his son.   Dear Pop,    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.  That's the best I could do under the circumstances.  Love you,  Vinnie

Funny Videos

FRUITCAKELADY1.wmv

howpilotsSHOULDtalk!.wmv

Brains.wmv

 

Subject: Origins of the Human race A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"  Her mother answered, "God  made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her dad the same question.  Her dad answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mother, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"   The mother answered, "Well, Dear, it's very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.."

When you die in Alabammy...

THE MEMORIAL STONE

Billy died.... His will provided $30,000 for this elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jonelle.
"Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jonelle, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Joyce .. "Thirty thousand dollars."

"No!" Jonelle exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Joyce answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The whiskey, wine, food and snacks were another $500.. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Jonelle quickly computed the total of $7,500 and said "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"

Joyce answered, "Two and a half carats
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Best Smart Ass Answers

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2009!! (I guess there aren't any for 2010)

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.

The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'

The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

Making of a Hollywood Star...!

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing
my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like
Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check
for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to
change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it
in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you
were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.
I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

(I don't care who you are, that's funny.)

Yellow toad stools...

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda ticked off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were green like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and suchlike."
The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says, "Toadra-capokus! You're green!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"
To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he also encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like all the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account that the hunters can spot me from a mile off."
She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says:"Bearus-cadabra! You’re brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries. They remain purple. He says: "My wang is still purple!" She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."
To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"


The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just follow the yellow dick Toad!"

This just in from the School of Crime...

IF YOU ARE DRIVING AT NIGHT AND EGGS ARE THROWN AT YOUR WINDSHIELD.

DO NOT OPERATE THE WIPER AND DO NOT SPRAY ANY WATER

BECAUSE EGGS MIXED WITH WATER BECOME MILKY AND BLOCK YOUR VISION UP TO 92.5%

YOU ARE THEN FORCED TO STOP BESIDE THE ROAD AND BECOME A VICTIM OF THIEVES. THIS IS A NEW TECHNIQUE USED BY GANGS.

THESE ARE DESPERATE TIMES AND THESE UNSAVORY INDIVIDUALS WILL TAKE DESPERATE MEASURES TO GET WHAT THEY WANT.

An Irishman goes to confession...

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in.
Excitedly, the Irishman begins.."Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

xkcd.com

web comics

www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com

Hema

HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on November 4, 1926, in Amsterdam . Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands

Take a look at HEMA's product page - just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens...

DON'T click on any of the items in the picture, just wait...

This company has a sense of humor and a great computer programmer, who has too much time on his hands...

http://producten.hema.nl/

The Fountain of F(*&^%ing Youth

http://www.squidoo.com/tibetanrites

SPIN ME once around the Iphone

http://www.entropyadept.com/sites/SpinMe/index.html

From Adam Dean, noted digitirati...


" I just created this today."

As usual, Quicktime is required to be installed and working on


your computer. If you do not have Quicktime installed, you can


download it for free from http://www.apple.com/quicktime.


The video should also play natively on the iPhone.


Let me know what you think of this, also let me know if you have trouble with it.  Go here to see:

http://www.entropyadept.com/sites/SpinMe/index.html

--

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you.  This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a Texas chili cook-off.  Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster name Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, Illinois.  For some reason Texans think this is really funny.

Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.  The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the cotton candy stand, when the call came in.  I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free food during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.

This is the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI #1 – Mike’s Maniac Monster Chili

Judge #1 – A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick.

Judge #2—Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.

Judge #3 (Frank)—Holy heavens, what the heck is this stuff.  You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two extra-large cokes to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI #2 – Austin’s Afterburner Chili

Judge #1—Smoky, with a hint of pork.  Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2—Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge #3—Keep this out of the reach of children.  I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more iced soft drinks when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3—Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1—Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge #2—A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3—Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more ice cold drinks before I ignite. The barmaid Sally, pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting full from all this liquid, I have over a gallon in me, and my stomach is still burning.

Chili #4—Bubba’s Black Magic

Judge #1—Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2—Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge #3—I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Sally, was standing behind me with fresh refills.  This 300 lb. woman is starting to beat on my chest again, to revive me…because of this nuclear waste I’m eating!

Chili #5—Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1—Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.

Judge #2—Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3—My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring ice water directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I’m burning my lips off.  It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6—Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1—Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge #2—The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.  Superb.

Judge #3—My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames and I’m worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.  Can’t feel my lips anymore.  I need a snow cone.

Chili #7—Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1—A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2—Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.  Note:  I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is complaining uncontrollably.

Judge #3—You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing.  I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are covered with lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful.  I’m not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8—Big Tom’s Toenail Curling Chili

Judge #1—The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2—This final entry is a good, balanced chili.  Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili put down on top of himself.  Not sure if he’s going to make it.  Poor feller, wonder how he’s have reacted to really hot chili.

Judge #3—No Report

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right 

thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

  The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in 

frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

 As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and 

looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

 He took her to the police station where she was searched, 

fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''

 

Priceless.

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated  with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their
spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in
the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter
with only 140 characters of space.

 That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree,
Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and
 something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other
 program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything
 except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready
to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost
every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that
in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am
supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at
Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards
wasglaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I
got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside
was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10
minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating".  You would think
that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She
would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next  light.
Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the
cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy,
the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless
phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't
figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around
digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry
baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every
time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on
something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I
check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags
to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just
say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."  Then it's their turn to
stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

PS...I know some of you are not over 50;  I sent it to you to allow you to
forward it to those who are.

Famous Last Quotes...

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you

should have remained a virgin.'
-   Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
   
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not

pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed,

but fine against a wall.'
  - Eleanor Roosevelt  

 Last  week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..    - Mark Twain 
 
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good

ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
 - George Burns
  
 Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. 
 - Victor Borge    

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.  
- Mark Twain 
 
 By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if

you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 
 - Socrates 
    
 I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.  
- Groucho Marx      

  My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then

she stops to breathe.   - Jimmy Durante  
  
 I have never  hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. 
 - Zsa Zsa Gabor  

 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. 
 - Alex Levine  

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop

dying.   - Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery  

- Spike Milligan  
   
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
 - Joe Namath

These are from a contest in The Washington Post:

A. Winners of "Almost New" words:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with..

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid..

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late..

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply "alternate meanings" for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

 
 My Cardiac Specialist told me this too!

 

Did you know?
Drinking Water at the Correct Time Maximizes its Effectiveness on the Human Body:

2 glasses of water after waking up - helps activate internal organs

1 glass of water 30 minutes before a meal - helps digestion

1 glass of water before taking a bath - helps lower blood pressure

1 glass of water before going to bed - avoids stroke or heart attack

Please pass this to the people you care about...

 
 
 
 

This is good to know for future use . . .
I had a flat tire on the 99 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk. I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!!!
Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road!

People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before one of the highway patrol cars pulled up behind me. He wanted to know what the heck I was doing so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat. He told me he could see that but demanded to know what the heck my cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.

I couldn't believe he didn't know... SO I told him......

They're my Emergency Flashers!!!!

The Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open

heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the

care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital . As he was recovering, a nun asked

him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his

treatment. She asked, "Do you have health insurance?"



He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help

you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a

nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns

are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my

brother-in-law."