If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you.  This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a Texas chili cook-off.  Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster name Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, Illinois.  For some reason Texans think this is really funny.

Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.  The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the cotton candy stand, when the call came in.  I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free food during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.

This is the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI #1 – Mike’s Maniac Monster Chili

Judge #1 – A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick.

Judge #2—Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.

Judge #3 (Frank)—Holy heavens, what the heck is this stuff.  You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two extra-large cokes to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI #2 – Austin’s Afterburner Chili

Judge #1—Smoky, with a hint of pork.  Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2—Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge #3—Keep this out of the reach of children.  I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more iced soft drinks when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3—Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1—Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge #2—A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3—Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more ice cold drinks before I ignite. The barmaid Sally, pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting full from all this liquid, I have over a gallon in me, and my stomach is still burning.

Chili #4—Bubba’s Black Magic

Judge #1—Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2—Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge #3—I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Sally, was standing behind me with fresh refills.  This 300 lb. woman is starting to beat on my chest again, to revive me…because of this nuclear waste I’m eating!

Chili #5—Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1—Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.

Judge #2—Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3—My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring ice water directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I’m burning my lips off.  It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6—Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1—Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge #2—The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.  Superb.

Judge #3—My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames and I’m worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.  Can’t feel my lips anymore.  I need a snow cone.

Chili #7—Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1—A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2—Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.  Note:  I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is complaining uncontrollably.

Judge #3—You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing.  I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are covered with lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful.  I’m not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8—Big Tom’s Toenail Curling Chili

Judge #1—The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2—This final entry is a good, balanced chili.  Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili put down on top of himself.  Not sure if he’s going to make it.  Poor feller, wonder how he’s have reacted to really hot chili.

Judge #3—No Report