U & U tube

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a
coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40
please"

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man Says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" Asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on
the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How
do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every
time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a litre of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with
a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

A Good Day

A Hell of a Day
I was sitting there at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker named Ruben steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" He says menacingly,
as I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure.”
I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife with another man...
and then my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

"I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve..............…
and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But hell, enough about me,
how are you doing?

Three Way!

Last night, I ended up with an older woman at the sports bar.

She looked pretty good for a 60-year old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all and soon
I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, we had a bit of a snuggle ... and then she asked me if I ever had a "Sportsman's Double?"

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

"Oh..." I said as my mind began to embrace the idea. "No, I haven't." I said.

We drank a bit more, then she says, with a wink, "well tonight is your lucky night."

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

"Mom....you still awake?"

RED ZONE JOKE

A kid comes home from school and
says to his mom, "Mom I've got a
problem." She asks him what it is.
He tells her that the boys at school are
using 2 words he doesn't understand so
she asks him what they are.
He says "Well, pussy and bitch".
She says, "Oh that's no big deal; a
pussy is a cat like our little Mittens,
and a bitch is a female dog like our
Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit his dad
who's watching TV in the living room.
He says to his dad, "Dad, the boys at
school are using words I don't know,
and I asked mom and I don't think she
told me the right meanings."
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go
to your mom with this stuff. What are
the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy
magazine down from the shelf, takes a
marker and circles the crotch of a
naked model and says, "Son, everything
inside this circle is a pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that
circle."

The Irish Dept.

A father was trying to teach his young
son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water
and another worm in a glass of
whiskey. The worm in the water lived,
while the one in whiskey curled up and
died. "All right, son." asked the father,
"what does that show you?" "Well, Dad,
it shows that if you drink alcohol, you
will not have worms."

Republic of Craic Irish Jokephile

An 11 year old realized that she had
started to grow hair in between her
legs. She had gotten worried and asked
her mommy about the hair. Her
mommy calmly said "that part where
the hair has grown is called a Monkey,
be proud that your Monkey had grown
hair." Next morning, at breakfast she
told her sister "my monkey has grown
hair." Her sister smiled and said "that's
nothing! mine is already eating
bananas."

All About Eve

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY 
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden,  God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes 

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Boob?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that stuff about the rib?

Kathleen Madigan: Gone Madigan - Trailer

Lepracahn Alert!

New Jersey Buzzard! Damn U!

BRIDGEWATER, N.J. (AP) — New Jersey communities from one end of the state to the other have strung up vulture carcasses this winter to drive away flocks of the damaging buzzards.
On Monday, federal wildlife officials hoisted a dead black vulture about 30 feet up a tree in the backyard of a home in Bridgewater, a suburb of 45,000 about 40 miles west of New York City.
Wildlife officials say it's a sure-fire way to stop buzzards from roosting in the area.
Residents of one Bridgewater neighborhood have counted at least 100 vultures roosting in a handful of pine trees nearby. They've been leaving behind foul-smelling and acidic droppings on lawns and roofs.
Vulture carcasses have been strung up in at least a half-dozen other New Jersey locations this winter.

the Jewish Conversion

Around the year 900, about 1,113 years ago, the Pope decreed that all the
Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry
from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious
debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won the debate ,
they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, all the Jewish people would have
to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in
the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no
Yiddish, all agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself clearly beaten, and said
that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "Firstly, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
The Rabbi responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is
still only ONE God who is common to both our faiths.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around
us.
The Rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also
RIGHT HERE with us.

I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice,
Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the Rabbi pulled out an apple to remind
me of the ORIGINAL SIN. He beat me at every move, and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd managed
to win.

"I haven't a clue," said the Rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three
days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.

Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, but I told
him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

 

 

Jokes for kids (just kidding)

..little kid comes to the door on Halloween dressed as a pirate, I say, "wow, a pirate, where are your buccaneers?" - kid says, "under my buckin hat!"....

I literally don't understand

	literally	919 up, 242 down
	March 6, 2013 Urban Word of the Day People often confuse this word with figuratively. -Dude, you figuratively died of embarassment, you illiterate dipshit. buy literally mugs & shirts by Built2Spill Nov 17, 2004 share this add a video
1.	literally	656 up, 70 down
	a much misused adverb, often for emphasis "I literally died of embarrassment." "Really? How was reincarnation, you fucking illiterate dipshit?" buy literally mugs & shirts by RockYfella Dec 5, 2003 share this add a video
3.	literally	116 up, 21 down
	A four syllable word used by monkeys to add emphasis and impress people. Monkeys who use the word don't understand what it means. Dude: If that monkey says literally one more time I'll stomp him. Chick: Literally? Dude: Well, no. buy literally mugs & shirts

Graffitti isn't just physical anymore

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7Rv18LcZ8k&feature=share&list=PLtGu-OkL_3JEo3XdQT3ZJt1CMpPVPm2p0

Fresh Off Facebook

Clay Heery

No joke: Just discovered that one of my Facebook "friends" owns the rights to a MUSICAL based on 9/11. Unused ad line: "Tunes that will bring the house down."

Do U Have KIDZ

http://youtu.be/Z3pXAIJFK3g


When people ask me if I have kids, I look at them blankly. I think back to the sort of child I was. I remember how my parents, Mattie and Frankie, were pure gold. But, and it's a big 'but,' I was in a modern stone age family and felt the crush of overpopulation at a very early age. So, I went into real estate because I figured everybody needs their own house, right?

see my blog at Captnmortgage.blogspot.com.

and NO, I haven't any children.....

Sean

http://youtu.be/2wyczcIx95Y

Bye Bye Papa Benedicio 2013

WiiiiiiiiiFiiiiiiiiiiiii Went OUt

I'm A White Girl

The Speed of You in the Universe cycles upward...

Moore's law

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

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Plot of CPU transistor counts against dates of introduction. Note the logarithmic vertical scale; the line corresponds to exponential growth with transistor count doubling every two years.

An Osborne Executive portable computer, from 1982 with a Zilog Z80 4MHz CPU, and a 2007 Apple iPhone with a 412MHz ARM11 CPU. The Executive weighs 100 times as much, is nearly 500 times as large by volume, costs approximately 10 times as much (adjusting for inflation), and has 1/100th the clock frequency of the phone.

Moore's law is the observation that over the history of computing hardware, the number of components on integrated circuits doubles approximately every two years. The period often quoted as "18 months" is due to Intel executive David House, who predicted that period for a doubling in chip performance (being a combination of the effect of more transistors and their being faster).^[1]
The law is named after Intel co-founder Gordon E. Moore, who described the trend in his 1965 paper.^[2][3][4] The paper noted that the number of components in integrated circuits had doubled every year from the invention of the integrated circuit in 1958 until 1965 and predicted that the trend would continue "for at least ten years".^[5] His prediction has proven to be uncannily accurate, in part because the law is now used in the semiconductor industry to guide long-term planning and to set targets for research and development.^[6]
The capabilities of many digital electronic devices are strongly linked to Moore's law: processing speed, memory capacity, sensors and even the number and size of pixels in digital cameras.^[7] All of these are improving at (roughly) exponential rates as well (see Other formulations and similar laws). This exponential improvement has dramatically enhanced the impact of digital electronics in nearly every segment of the world economy.^[8] Moore's law describes a driving force of technological and social change in the late 20th and early 21st centuries.^[9][10]
This trend has continued for more than half a century. Sources in 2005 expected it to continue until at least 2015 or 2020.^{[note 1][12]} However, the 2010 update to the International Technology Roadmap for Semiconductors has growth slowing at the end of 2013,^[13] after which time transistor counts and densities are to double only every three years.

The Being Irish Dept.

Axis of Awesome

homo slackerus

They are referred to as homo slackerus

 

created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing, 

and spasmatic upper limb gestures, 

which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. 

 

The "drag-crotch" shape also seems to effect brain function.  Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication. Unfortunately most are highly fertile.

 

 

FART Football

A married couple no sooner hit the pillows when… – Buckle up BitchAn old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’

His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’
The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides

Pun Intended

ALL PUNS INTENDED;

GROAN IF YOU MUST...

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.  The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm,
and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.

 10.Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 11.I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
but I couldn't find any.

12.A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13.I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel.

 14.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15.Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the
other and says, "Dam!"

16.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a
fire in the craft.  Not surprisingly it sank, proving once
again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17.A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked
them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
(NOW IS THAT GREAT, OR WHAT?)

18.A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to
a family in Spain ; they name him ' Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."

19.Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is
so bad, it's good), a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20.A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went
out that there was a small medium at large.

21.And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!

Hi Larious

http://youtu.be/BVU8Y4joYmA

This just in...the Color of Shit

Reporting for "doody," Dr. Ellie Sattler plunges her hand into a pile of brontosaurus stool to find out what's ailing the sick old beast in Jurassic Park. She could have spared herself the up-close and personal if she had known how to read poop color.
When your body's gastrointestinal tract isn’t functioning correctly, stool colors can tell you what's going on in your insides and whether you might have bowel problems. Here's a guide:

1. Medium brown is the color of healthy poop. Keep your gastrointestinal system running smoothly with these rules for regularity.
2. Pale, gray, clay-like stool suggests a liver problem. Bile from the liver is what makes stools brown; not enough and you get ashy shades indicating anything from gallstones to hepatitis, pancreatitis to cirrhosis.
3. Black or dull red stool sounds scary, but is often related to food or meds. You may see black after consuming black licorice, blueberries, iron pills, or diarrhea medication. (Call your doc if you see tarry black poop, which can be a sign of bleeding in the upper intestines or even the stomach.) And red? That may come from beets and tomatoes.
4. Green stools aren't just for St. Patrick's Day, although they can be from celebratory beer (it's the green dye). Greenies can also come from eating lots of green vegetables or taking iron or certain medications.
5. Bloody or maroon/red poop is most often caused by hemorrhoids but red poop can also be from intestinal bleeding, so call your doc.

If you’re worried about any other colors you're dropping, keep a 3- to 7-day record and share the shades with your doctor. Find out what poop colors might indicate for babies.
Constipated? Try these tricks to get to the bottom of your bowel troubles.
Do you have bashful bowel syndrome? Here's what to do.