The Fountain of F(*&^%ing Youth

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--

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you.  This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a Texas chili cook-off.  Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster name Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, Illinois.  For some reason Texans think this is really funny.

Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.  The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the cotton candy stand, when the call came in.  I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free food during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.

This is the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI #1 – Mike’s Maniac Monster Chili

Judge #1 – A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick.

Judge #2—Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.

Judge #3 (Frank)—Holy heavens, what the heck is this stuff.  You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two extra-large cokes to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI #2 – Austin’s Afterburner Chili

Judge #1—Smoky, with a hint of pork.  Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2—Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge #3—Keep this out of the reach of children.  I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more iced soft drinks when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3—Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1—Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge #2—A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3—Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more ice cold drinks before I ignite. The barmaid Sally, pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting full from all this liquid, I have over a gallon in me, and my stomach is still burning.

Chili #4—Bubba’s Black Magic

Judge #1—Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2—Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge #3—I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Sally, was standing behind me with fresh refills.  This 300 lb. woman is starting to beat on my chest again, to revive me…because of this nuclear waste I’m eating!

Chili #5—Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1—Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.

Judge #2—Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3—My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring ice water directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I’m burning my lips off.  It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6—Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1—Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge #2—The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.  Superb.

Judge #3—My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames and I’m worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.  Can’t feel my lips anymore.  I need a snow cone.

Chili #7—Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1—A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2—Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.  Note:  I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is complaining uncontrollably.

Judge #3—You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing.  I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are covered with lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful.  I’m not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8—Big Tom’s Toenail Curling Chili

Judge #1—The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2—This final entry is a good, balanced chili.  Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili put down on top of himself.  Not sure if he’s going to make it.  Poor feller, wonder how he’s have reacted to really hot chili.

Judge #3—No Report

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right 

thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

  The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in 

frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

 As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and 

looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

 He took her to the police station where she was searched, 

fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''

 

Priceless.

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated  with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their
spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in
the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter
with only 140 characters of space.

 That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree,
Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and
 something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other
 program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything
 except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready
to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost
every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that
in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am
supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at
Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards
wasglaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I
got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside
was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10
minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating".  You would think
that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She
would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next  light.
Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the
cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy,
the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless
phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't
figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around
digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry
baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every
time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on
something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I
check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags
to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just
say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."  Then it's their turn to
stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

PS...I know some of you are not over 50;  I sent it to you to allow you to
forward it to those who are.

Famous Last Quotes...

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you

should have remained a virgin.'
-   Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
   
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not

pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed,

but fine against a wall.'
  - Eleanor Roosevelt  

 Last  week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..    - Mark Twain 
 
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good

ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
 - George Burns
  
 Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. 
 - Victor Borge    

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.  
- Mark Twain 
 
 By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if

you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 
 - Socrates 
    
 I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.  
- Groucho Marx      

  My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then

she stops to breathe.   - Jimmy Durante  
  
 I have never  hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. 
 - Zsa Zsa Gabor  

 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. 
 - Alex Levine  

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop

dying.   - Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery  

- Spike Milligan  
   
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
 - Joe Namath

These are from a contest in The Washington Post:

A. Winners of "Almost New" words:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with..

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid..

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late..

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply "alternate meanings" for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

 
 My Cardiac Specialist told me this too!

 

Did you know?
Drinking Water at the Correct Time Maximizes its Effectiveness on the Human Body:

2 glasses of water after waking up - helps activate internal organs

1 glass of water 30 minutes before a meal - helps digestion

1 glass of water before taking a bath - helps lower blood pressure

1 glass of water before going to bed - avoids stroke or heart attack

Please pass this to the people you care about...

 
 
 
 

This is good to know for future use . . .
I had a flat tire on the 99 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk. I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!!!
Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road!

People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before one of the highway patrol cars pulled up behind me. He wanted to know what the heck I was doing so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat. He told me he could see that but demanded to know what the heck my cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.

I couldn't believe he didn't know... SO I told him......

They're my Emergency Flashers!!!!

The Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open

heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the

care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital . As he was recovering, a nun asked

him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his

treatment. She asked, "Do you have health insurance?"



He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help

you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a

nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns

are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my

brother-in-law."