Arab student abroad...

An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying:

Dear Dad

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB
when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser

 The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:
My dear loving son

Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us.Go and get yourself a train too.Love, your Dad

Too naughty...

http://www.boingboing.net/2011/05/18/youve-been-a-bad-bad.html

In the beginning, there was the Internet...

The History of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto
himself a young wife by the name of Dot.  And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of
shoulder and long of leg.  Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town
with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel
load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send
messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the
best price.  And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by
Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.  Abraham sold all the goods he
had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot
devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.  It was known as Must Send
Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and
pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to
camel dung.  They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites,
or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound
of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum
dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.
And indeed Brother Gates did insist on drums to be made that would work only with
his drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK)
that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

See u on the bus

To save the economy, on October 30, 2011, Obama will announce
that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting
old people (instead of illegal's) in order to lower Social Security
and Medicare costs.

Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get
back home!

I started crying when I thought of you.____________________________________________________________

.....see you on the bus.

http://boyleboyletroubleandtoil.blogspot.com/

Deep Space 99

Packing for Mars, book, good, read it...

Boredpanda.com

Sloppy Supermarket labeling

http://www.happyplace.com/9969/products-with-unintentionally-vulgar-sticker-placements

to which my witty cousin, Tommy G, replied:
I always got a kick out out of Murine.  It was just urine with an "M" in front of it.

..sure it "gets the red out" but it "puts the yellow in" and you end up going around for the rest of the day looking "pissed"!
and contributed this...

 

Sometimes....

S O M E T I M E S



Sometimes...
 
when you cry....
 
no one sees your tears.
 
Sometimes...
 
when you are in pain.
 
no one sees your hurt.
 
Sometimes..
 
when you are worried..
 
no one sees your stress
 
Sometimes..
 
when you are happy..
 
no one sees your smile ..
 
-
 
But FART!! Just ONE time...
 
And everybody knows!!
 
Gotcha!! You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!
 

If you are not having fun yet, watch this!

http://www.eightprinciples of FUN

bra size

Have you ever wonder why A,B,C,D,DD,E,F,G,and H are the letters used to define bra sizes, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for? Well, it's time you became informed! (A) Almost nothing , (B) Barely boobs, (C) Can't complain, (D) Damn, (DD) Double Damn, (E) Enormous, (F) Fake, (G) Get a Reduction, (H) Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!!!

The Computer Reads Your Mind!

http://www.petrix.com/magic/magic6.htm

More Guerilla Graphics

Osama Bin Ladida

Guerrilla Graphics

Sometimes, all you need is a picture

Fairy Tale

The Good Fairy

Married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish. "I want to travel round the world with my darling husband" says wife. Two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand. Husband says: "Sorry but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." 

 

Fairy waves wand and husband becomes 92.

 

 

Moral of story - men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are friggin' female.

Jesus is just alright...

 

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH.

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 

1. He called everyone brother 

2. He liked Gospel 

 3. He didn't get a fair trial 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 

 1. He went into His Father's business 

2. He lived at home until he was 33 

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 

 1. He talked with His hands 

2. He had wine with His meals 

3. He used olive oil 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 

 1. He never cut His hair 

2. He walked around barefoot all the time 

3. He started a new religion 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian: 

1. He was at peace with nature 

2. He ate a lot of fish 

3. He talked about the Great Spirit 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 

1. He never got married.. 

2. He was always telling stories. 

3. He loved green pastures. 

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food 

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it 

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do 

Can I get an AMEN?

 

CATHOLIC SHAMPOO

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE.  AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, 

ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A  NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL

ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL

COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE

CHECKOUT STAND."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED

UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED

 WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. 

"WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, 

WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO."

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER,

PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.

HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID:

"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."  
           
           


     

How fairy tales really end:

Its SOOOO HOT that....

Seat belts are officially branding irons.... 

 All the corn on the stalks started popping and flying through 
the air. The cows thought it was snowing. And they froze to death.

 It's so hot, I saw squirrels fanning their nuts. 

 The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have 
lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

 Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them 
from laying hard boiled eggs.

 the cows are giving evaporated milk.

 the trees are whistlin' for the dogs.

 Satan decided to take the day off.

 Even the sun was looking for some shade!

 the birds had to pick up the worms with potholders.

 I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walkin'..

 The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs..

 Two trees fighting over a dog....

A fire hydrant begged a dog to pee on it

  Scientists recently detected beads of sweat on the Statue of Liberty.

 Campbell Soup Co. has changed the directions on its cans to,
"Just pour and eat."

 Water in public swimming pools is evaporating so fast that children 
are being encouraged to swim in the deep end and keep ignoring the,
"no peeing" rule.

Laugh Larceny?

NEW YORK (Hollywood Reporter) - Trial alert! On July 12th, the best comedy in Los Angeles will not be heard at the Improv, but rather a federal court as the Wayans brothers face down a former assistant who charges that they ripped off jokes for their book, "You Know You're a Golddigger When..."

Jared Edwards worked for the comedy family for a decade and wrote jokes about women who prey upon wealthy men. He claims he pitched the idea for a book that would include material like "You know you're a golddigger when you know more about sports players' stats than an ESPN analyst."

Keenen, Shawn and Marlon Wayans rejected the idea, and then allegedly did their own version.

Joke theft allegations have been around almost as long as the first "Knock, Knock" joke, but recently, comedians have become more sensitive to laugh larceny, raising the copyright infringement card.

Because Edwards worked for the Wayans brothers, this case goes a bit above and beyond the typical plagiarism routine of a plaintiff struggling to prove the copying of expression rather than theft of unprotected ideas. Edwards is claiming that the Wayans (and St. Martin's Press) not only committed copyright infringement but also breached an implied promise to pay him for use of his ideas. Writers alleging this type of allegation have increasingly been successful in passing judicial muster.

To sum up the defense, you know you're a golddigging joke-theft plaintiff when:
* You can't be the owner of a valid copyright on jokes when the material is a work-made-for-hire.
* You can't own undivided rights on the jokes when, at most, the material was jointly authored.
* You consented to having the jokes performed by the famous Wayans clan.
* You didn't complain in time, and thus the statute of limitations has run out.

The trial is sure to provide some laughter and entertainment, but might not have the full shock value possible. That's because the parties have stipulated that certain alleged "bad acts" won't be brought up, including allegations that Edwards committed check fraud and borrowed $12,000 from Shawn, that Edwards engaged in sexual acts in Shawn's vehicle, and that Edwards threw a phone at Marlon.

Still, the trial won't be devoid of highjinks. There's been a suggestion made in court papers that the attorney for the Wayans brothers will attempt to impeach Edwards for things he said during the deposition.

Finally, even if the Wayans brothers lose, they might not have to fork over a significant amount of money. The book was hardly a best-seller, and so the judge has capped a damage award to the amount of money the Wayans got as an advance for writing the book, foreclosing any of the publisher's profits.

(To read more about our entertainment news, visit our blog "Fan Fare" online at http://blogs.reuters.com/fanfare/)

This is why they were called THE GOOD OLD DAYS

Why Our Great-Grandparents Were Happier Than We Are...

Bayers Heroin

A bottle of Bayer's heroin. Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a

non-addictive substitute for morphine. It was also used to treat children

with strong cough.

Coca Wine, anyone?

Metcalf Coca Wine was one of a huge variety of wines with cocaine on the

market Everybody used to say that it would make you happy and it would

also work as a medicinal treatment.

Mariani wine

Mariani wine (1875) was the most famous Coca wine of it's time.

Pope Leo XIII used to carry one bottle with him all the time.

He awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold medal.

Maltine

Produced by Maltine Manufacturing Company of NewYork. It was suggested that you should take a full glass with or after every meal... Children should take half a glass.

A paper weight:

A paper weight promoting C.F. Boehringer & Soehne ( Mannheim  ,  Germany ). They were proud of being the biggest producers in the world of products containing Quinine and Cocaine.

Opium for Asthma:

No comments.

Cocaine tablets (1900)

All stage actors, singers teachers and preachers had to have them for a maximum performance. Great to "smooth" the voice.

Cocaine drops for toothache

Very popular for children in 1885. Not only did they relieve the pain, they made the children happy!

Opium for new-borns

I'm sure this would make them sleep well (not only the Opium, but 46% alcohol!)

That's 92 proof!

No wonder they were called The Good Old Days!!

 

 

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