The Irish Dept.

A father was trying to teach his young
son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water
and another worm in a glass of
whiskey. The worm in the water lived,
while the one in whiskey curled up and
died. "All right, son." asked the father,
"what does that show you?" "Well, Dad,
it shows that if you drink alcohol, you
will not have worms."

Republic of Craic Irish Jokephile

An 11 year old realized that she had
started to grow hair in between her
legs. She had gotten worried and asked
her mommy about the hair. Her
mommy calmly said "that part where
the hair has grown is called a Monkey,
be proud that your Monkey had grown
hair." Next morning, at breakfast she
told her sister "my monkey has grown
hair." Her sister smiled and said "that's
nothing! mine is already eating
bananas."

All About Eve

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY 
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden,  God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes 

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Boob?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that stuff about the rib?

Kathleen Madigan: Gone Madigan - Trailer

Lepracahn Alert!

New Jersey Buzzard! Damn U!

BRIDGEWATER, N.J. (AP) — New Jersey communities from one end of the state to the other have strung up vulture carcasses this winter to drive away flocks of the damaging buzzards.
On Monday, federal wildlife officials hoisted a dead black vulture about 30 feet up a tree in the backyard of a home in Bridgewater, a suburb of 45,000 about 40 miles west of New York City.
Wildlife officials say it's a sure-fire way to stop buzzards from roosting in the area.
Residents of one Bridgewater neighborhood have counted at least 100 vultures roosting in a handful of pine trees nearby. They've been leaving behind foul-smelling and acidic droppings on lawns and roofs.
Vulture carcasses have been strung up in at least a half-dozen other New Jersey locations this winter.

the Jewish Conversion

Around the year 900, about 1,113 years ago, the Pope decreed that all the
Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry
from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious
debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won the debate ,
they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, all the Jewish people would have
to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in
the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no
Yiddish, all agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself clearly beaten, and said
that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "Firstly, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
The Rabbi responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is
still only ONE God who is common to both our faiths.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around
us.
The Rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also
RIGHT HERE with us.

I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice,
Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the Rabbi pulled out an apple to remind
me of the ORIGINAL SIN. He beat me at every move, and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd managed
to win.

"I haven't a clue," said the Rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three
days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.

Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, but I told
him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

 

 

Jokes for kids (just kidding)

..little kid comes to the door on Halloween dressed as a pirate, I say, "wow, a pirate, where are your buccaneers?" - kid says, "under my buckin hat!"....