The Being Irish Dept.

Axis of Awesome

homo slackerus

They are referred to as homo slackerus

 

created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing, 

and spasmatic upper limb gestures, 

which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. 

 

The "drag-crotch" shape also seems to effect brain function.  Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication. Unfortunately most are highly fertile.

 

 

FART Football

A married couple no sooner hit the pillows when… – Buckle up BitchAn old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’

His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’
The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides

Pun Intended

ALL PUNS INTENDED;

GROAN IF YOU MUST...

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.  The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm,
and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.

 10.Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 11.I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
but I couldn't find any.

12.A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13.I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel.

 14.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15.Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the
other and says, "Dam!"

16.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a
fire in the craft.  Not surprisingly it sank, proving once
again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17.A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked
them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
(NOW IS THAT GREAT, OR WHAT?)

18.A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to
a family in Spain ; they name him ' Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."

19.Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is
so bad, it's good), a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20.A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went
out that there was a small medium at large.

21.And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!

Hi Larious

http://youtu.be/BVU8Y4joYmA

This just in...the Color of Shit

Reporting for "doody," Dr. Ellie Sattler plunges her hand into a pile of brontosaurus stool to find out what's ailing the sick old beast in Jurassic Park. She could have spared herself the up-close and personal if she had known how to read poop color.
When your body's gastrointestinal tract isn’t functioning correctly, stool colors can tell you what's going on in your insides and whether you might have bowel problems. Here's a guide:

1. Medium brown is the color of healthy poop. Keep your gastrointestinal system running smoothly with these rules for regularity.
2. Pale, gray, clay-like stool suggests a liver problem. Bile from the liver is what makes stools brown; not enough and you get ashy shades indicating anything from gallstones to hepatitis, pancreatitis to cirrhosis.
3. Black or dull red stool sounds scary, but is often related to food or meds. You may see black after consuming black licorice, blueberries, iron pills, or diarrhea medication. (Call your doc if you see tarry black poop, which can be a sign of bleeding in the upper intestines or even the stomach.) And red? That may come from beets and tomatoes.
4. Green stools aren't just for St. Patrick's Day, although they can be from celebratory beer (it's the green dye). Greenies can also come from eating lots of green vegetables or taking iron or certain medications.
5. Bloody or maroon/red poop is most often caused by hemorrhoids but red poop can also be from intestinal bleeding, so call your doc.

If you’re worried about any other colors you're dropping, keep a 3- to 7-day record and share the shades with your doctor. Find out what poop colors might indicate for babies.
Constipated? Try these tricks to get to the bottom of your bowel troubles.
Do you have bashful bowel syndrome? Here's what to do.