homo slackerus

They are referred to as homo slackerus

 

created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing, 

and spasmatic upper limb gestures, 

which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. 

 

The "drag-crotch" shape also seems to effect brain function.  Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication. Unfortunately most are highly fertile.

 

 

FART Football

A married couple no sooner hit the pillows when… – Buckle up BitchAn old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’

His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’
The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides

Pun Intended

ALL PUNS INTENDED;

GROAN IF YOU MUST...

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.  The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm,
and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.

 10.Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 11.I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
but I couldn't find any.

12.A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13.I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel.

 14.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15.Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the
other and says, "Dam!"

16.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a
fire in the craft.  Not surprisingly it sank, proving once
again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17.A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked
them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
(NOW IS THAT GREAT, OR WHAT?)

18.A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to
a family in Spain ; they name him ' Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."

19.Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is
so bad, it's good), a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20.A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went
out that there was a small medium at large.

21.And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!

Hi Larious

http://youtu.be/BVU8Y4joYmA

This just in...the Color of Shit

Reporting for "doody," Dr. Ellie Sattler plunges her hand into a pile of brontosaurus stool to find out what's ailing the sick old beast in Jurassic Park. She could have spared herself the up-close and personal if she had known how to read poop color.
When your body's gastrointestinal tract isn’t functioning correctly, stool colors can tell you what's going on in your insides and whether you might have bowel problems. Here's a guide:

1. Medium brown is the color of healthy poop. Keep your gastrointestinal system running smoothly with these rules for regularity.
2. Pale, gray, clay-like stool suggests a liver problem. Bile from the liver is what makes stools brown; not enough and you get ashy shades indicating anything from gallstones to hepatitis, pancreatitis to cirrhosis.
3. Black or dull red stool sounds scary, but is often related to food or meds. You may see black after consuming black licorice, blueberries, iron pills, or diarrhea medication. (Call your doc if you see tarry black poop, which can be a sign of bleeding in the upper intestines or even the stomach.) And red? That may come from beets and tomatoes.
4. Green stools aren't just for St. Patrick's Day, although they can be from celebratory beer (it's the green dye). Greenies can also come from eating lots of green vegetables or taking iron or certain medications.
5. Bloody or maroon/red poop is most often caused by hemorrhoids but red poop can also be from intestinal bleeding, so call your doc.

If you’re worried about any other colors you're dropping, keep a 3- to 7-day record and share the shades with your doctor. Find out what poop colors might indicate for babies.
Constipated? Try these tricks to get to the bottom of your bowel troubles.
Do you have bashful bowel syndrome? Here's what to do.

My anti Twitter anti social networking friend

No "tweety-face/face-licker-book" for me, seems like telling a diary in spits in spurts of 

Chinese water torture style, 

9am - OMG- got a hang nail
12pm - ate squid brains for lunch look at attached picture
3pm - hailed cab, driver was wearing a turban, big surprise
6pm - got stood up for blind date again went to see movie by myself, 

ate too much popcorn now I feel sick
9pm - alternating shots of JagerMeister and Jose Cuervo Gold tequila, both bottles half gone, 

I should be passing out soon

-next day-
(rinse and repeat above ad infinitum)

(this kind of stuff is something I will leave up to to someone else to clog up the

 Internet with this "content")

I've got much better things to do than to narrate every breath in and out every piece of food that I eat 

accompanying with Instagram pic and every other little stupid thing that happens to announce to the world

Seems to me everybody on Twitter is a glory hog, and has this "look at me" complex

I don't truck with that crap

However there are only a few people who might say something interesting once in a while, 

and  Neil deGrasse Tyson is one of my heroes, and I came upon this tweet by accident from a Google search 

while looking up something else completely different -- such is the definition of serendipity!

also Twitter is an evil screwed up company, and six months from now nobody's gonna care anymore

It's also only a matter of time before the class action suits that are bound to be filed the next couple of months

 for privacy violations, Will eventually bankrupt Facebook, which I will be happy to see die off.

--
Sent by using an iPad as a hammer to my face and capturing the shards of wisdom that fly off...

> 
> 
> SOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo
> yu twitter?
> https://twitter.com/artechno

Truthies

23 Adult Truths

1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 

5. How on earth are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 

6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired. 

10. Bad decisions make good stories. 

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay. 

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. 

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.