Fairy Tale

The Good Fairy

Married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish. "I want to travel round the world with my darling husband" says wife. Two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand. Husband says: "Sorry but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." 

 

Fairy waves wand and husband becomes 92.

 

 

Moral of story - men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are friggin' female.

Jesus is just alright...

 

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH.

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 

1. He called everyone brother 

2. He liked Gospel 

 3. He didn't get a fair trial 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 

 1. He went into His Father's business 

2. He lived at home until he was 33 

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 

 1. He talked with His hands 

2. He had wine with His meals 

3. He used olive oil 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 

 1. He never cut His hair 

2. He walked around barefoot all the time 

3. He started a new religion 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian: 

1. He was at peace with nature 

2. He ate a lot of fish 

3. He talked about the Great Spirit 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 

1. He never got married.. 

2. He was always telling stories. 

3. He loved green pastures. 

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food 

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it 

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do 

Can I get an AMEN?

 

CATHOLIC SHAMPOO

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE.  AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, 

ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A  NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL

ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL

COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE

CHECKOUT STAND."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED

UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED

 WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. 

"WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, 

WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO."

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER,

PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.

HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID:

"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."  
           
           


     

How fairy tales really end:

Its SOOOO HOT that....

Seat belts are officially branding irons.... 

 All the corn on the stalks started popping and flying through 
the air. The cows thought it was snowing. And they froze to death.

 It's so hot, I saw squirrels fanning their nuts. 

 The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have 
lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

 Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them 
from laying hard boiled eggs.

 the cows are giving evaporated milk.

 the trees are whistlin' for the dogs.

 Satan decided to take the day off.

 Even the sun was looking for some shade!

 the birds had to pick up the worms with potholders.

 I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walkin'..

 The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs..

 Two trees fighting over a dog....

A fire hydrant begged a dog to pee on it

  Scientists recently detected beads of sweat on the Statue of Liberty.

 Campbell Soup Co. has changed the directions on its cans to,
"Just pour and eat."

 Water in public swimming pools is evaporating so fast that children 
are being encouraged to swim in the deep end and keep ignoring the,
"no peeing" rule.

Laugh Larceny?

NEW YORK (Hollywood Reporter) - Trial alert! On July 12th, the best comedy in Los Angeles will not be heard at the Improv, but rather a federal court as the Wayans brothers face down a former assistant who charges that they ripped off jokes for their book, "You Know You're a Golddigger When..."

Jared Edwards worked for the comedy family for a decade and wrote jokes about women who prey upon wealthy men. He claims he pitched the idea for a book that would include material like "You know you're a golddigger when you know more about sports players' stats than an ESPN analyst."

Keenen, Shawn and Marlon Wayans rejected the idea, and then allegedly did their own version.

Joke theft allegations have been around almost as long as the first "Knock, Knock" joke, but recently, comedians have become more sensitive to laugh larceny, raising the copyright infringement card.

Because Edwards worked for the Wayans brothers, this case goes a bit above and beyond the typical plagiarism routine of a plaintiff struggling to prove the copying of expression rather than theft of unprotected ideas. Edwards is claiming that the Wayans (and St. Martin's Press) not only committed copyright infringement but also breached an implied promise to pay him for use of his ideas. Writers alleging this type of allegation have increasingly been successful in passing judicial muster.

To sum up the defense, you know you're a golddigging joke-theft plaintiff when:
* You can't be the owner of a valid copyright on jokes when the material is a work-made-for-hire.
* You can't own undivided rights on the jokes when, at most, the material was jointly authored.
* You consented to having the jokes performed by the famous Wayans clan.
* You didn't complain in time, and thus the statute of limitations has run out.

The trial is sure to provide some laughter and entertainment, but might not have the full shock value possible. That's because the parties have stipulated that certain alleged "bad acts" won't be brought up, including allegations that Edwards committed check fraud and borrowed $12,000 from Shawn, that Edwards engaged in sexual acts in Shawn's vehicle, and that Edwards threw a phone at Marlon.

Still, the trial won't be devoid of highjinks. There's been a suggestion made in court papers that the attorney for the Wayans brothers will attempt to impeach Edwards for things he said during the deposition.

Finally, even if the Wayans brothers lose, they might not have to fork over a significant amount of money. The book was hardly a best-seller, and so the judge has capped a damage award to the amount of money the Wayans got as an advance for writing the book, foreclosing any of the publisher's profits.

(To read more about our entertainment news, visit our blog "Fan Fare" online at http://blogs.reuters.com/fanfare/)

This is why they were called THE GOOD OLD DAYS

Why Our Great-Grandparents Were Happier Than We Are...

Bayers Heroin

A bottle of Bayer's heroin. Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a

non-addictive substitute for morphine. It was also used to treat children

with strong cough.

Coca Wine, anyone?

Metcalf Coca Wine was one of a huge variety of wines with cocaine on the

market Everybody used to say that it would make you happy and it would

also work as a medicinal treatment.

Mariani wine

Mariani wine (1875) was the most famous Coca wine of it's time.

Pope Leo XIII used to carry one bottle with him all the time.

He awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold medal.

Maltine

Produced by Maltine Manufacturing Company of NewYork. It was suggested that you should take a full glass with or after every meal... Children should take half a glass.

A paper weight:

A paper weight promoting C.F. Boehringer & Soehne ( Mannheim  ,  Germany ). They were proud of being the biggest producers in the world of products containing Quinine and Cocaine.

Opium for Asthma:

No comments.

Cocaine tablets (1900)

All stage actors, singers teachers and preachers had to have them for a maximum performance. Great to "smooth" the voice.

Cocaine drops for toothache

Very popular for children in 1885. Not only did they relieve the pain, they made the children happy!

Opium for new-borns

I'm sure this would make them sleep well (not only the Opium, but 46% alcohol!)

That's 92 proof!

No wonder they were called The Good Old Days!!