Saturday, April 2, 2011
You Tell’em Girl....
He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart
He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said to me...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him. . .. A widow.
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I
said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed….Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the
fridge.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
Friday, April 1, 2011
April Fools!
April 01: General Interest
1700 : April Fools tradition popularized
On this day in 1700, English pranksters begin popularizing the annual tradition of April Fools' Day by playing practical jokes on each other.
Although the day, also called All Fools' Day, has been celebrated for several centuries by different cultures, its exact origins remain a mystery. Some historians speculate that April Fools' Day dates back to 1582, when France switched from the Julian calendar to the Gregorian calendar, as called for by the Council of Trent in 1563. People who were slow to get the news or failed to recognize that the start of the new year had moved to January 1 and continued to celebrate it during the last week of March through April 1 became the butt of jokes and hoaxes. These included having paper fish placed on their backs and being referred to as "poisson d'avril" (April fish), said to symbolize a young, easily caught fish and a gullible person.
Historians have also linked April Fools' Day to ancient festivals such as Hilaria, which was celebrated in Rome at the end of March and involved people dressing up in disguises. There's also speculation that April Fools' Day was tied to the vernal equinox, or first day of spring in the Northern Hemisphere, when Mother Nature fooled people with changing, unpredictable weather.
April Fools' Day spread throughout Britain during the 18th century. In Scotland, the tradition became a two-day event, starting with "hunting the gowk," in which people were sent on phony errands (gowk is a word for cuckoo bird, a symbol for fool) and followed by Tailie Day, which involved pranks played on people's derrieres, such as pinning fake tails or "kick me" signs on them.
In modern times, people have gone to great lengths to create elaborate April Fools' Day hoaxes. Newspapers, radio and TV stations and Web sites have participated in the April 1 tradition of reporting outrageous fictional claims that have fooled their audiences. In 1957, the BBC reported that Swiss farmers were experiencing a record spaghetti crop and showed footage of people harvesting noodles from trees; numerous viewers were fooled. In 1985, Sports Illustrated tricked many of its readers when it ran a made-up article about a rookie pitcher named Sidd Finch who could throw a fastball over 168 miles per hour. In 1996, Taco Bell, the fast-food restaurant chain, duped people when it announced it had agreed to purchase Philadelphia's Liberty Bell and intended to rename it the Taco Liberty Bell. In 1998, after Burger King advertised a "Left-Handed Whopper," scores of clueless customers requested the fake sandwich.
1700 : April Fools tradition popularized
On this day in 1700, English pranksters begin popularizing the annual tradition of April Fools' Day by playing practical jokes on each other.
Although the day, also called All Fools' Day, has been celebrated for several centuries by different cultures, its exact origins remain a mystery. Some historians speculate that April Fools' Day dates back to 1582, when France switched from the Julian calendar to the Gregorian calendar, as called for by the Council of Trent in 1563. People who were slow to get the news or failed to recognize that the start of the new year had moved to January 1 and continued to celebrate it during the last week of March through April 1 became the butt of jokes and hoaxes. These included having paper fish placed on their backs and being referred to as "poisson d'avril" (April fish), said to symbolize a young, easily caught fish and a gullible person.
Historians have also linked April Fools' Day to ancient festivals such as Hilaria, which was celebrated in Rome at the end of March and involved people dressing up in disguises. There's also speculation that April Fools' Day was tied to the vernal equinox, or first day of spring in the Northern Hemisphere, when Mother Nature fooled people with changing, unpredictable weather.
April Fools' Day spread throughout Britain during the 18th century. In Scotland, the tradition became a two-day event, starting with "hunting the gowk," in which people were sent on phony errands (gowk is a word for cuckoo bird, a symbol for fool) and followed by Tailie Day, which involved pranks played on people's derrieres, such as pinning fake tails or "kick me" signs on them.
In modern times, people have gone to great lengths to create elaborate April Fools' Day hoaxes. Newspapers, radio and TV stations and Web sites have participated in the April 1 tradition of reporting outrageous fictional claims that have fooled their audiences. In 1957, the BBC reported that Swiss farmers were experiencing a record spaghetti crop and showed footage of people harvesting noodles from trees; numerous viewers were fooled. In 1985, Sports Illustrated tricked many of its readers when it ran a made-up article about a rookie pitcher named Sidd Finch who could throw a fastball over 168 miles per hour. In 1996, Taco Bell, the fast-food restaurant chain, duped people when it announced it had agreed to purchase Philadelphia's Liberty Bell and intended to rename it the Taco Liberty Bell. In 1998, after Burger King advertised a "Left-Handed Whopper," scores of clueless customers requested the fake sandwich.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Obama Phone> Sign me up...this is a public service announcement...
This is for real!!!
NO JOKE
Just when you think you've heard it all, our illustrious Congress quietly comes up with a new zinger to put their hands in your
pockets, and pick them while you aren't watching. Isn't this just wonderful ?
I was standing in line at the checkout counter at WalMart and as I looked at the line behind me, I saw a couple of people talking
about what looked like identical new cell phones, bragging about the fact that their phones were free and so was the airtime.
The woman in line behind me had heard the same exchange and turned to the young man behind her and asked, 'Is that a new type of cell
phone?' The young man replied, 'Yes, this is my new Obama phone. She asked him what an Obama phone was, and he went on to say that,
'Welfare recipients are now eligible to receive what he described as (1) a FREE new cell phone, and (2) approximately 70 FREE minutes
of air time every month.'
Needless to say, I was a little skeptical about his answer, so when I got back home, I Googled it, and lo and behold, he was telling
the truth. This was what I discovered:
SafeLink Wireless is a government supported program that provides a free cell phone and airtime each month for income-eligible
customers. In other words, your tax dollars are being distributed to a wireless phone provider to provide welfare recipients with
free cell phones and airtime. I don't know about you, but as for me, enough is enough. We are $14 Trillion in debt, Congress is
balking at continuing unemployment payments to those who want to work, and Congress is increasing the dole-out to dead beats.
NO JOKE
Just when you think you've heard it all, our illustrious Congress quietly comes up with a new zinger to put their hands in your
pockets, and pick them while you aren't watching. Isn't this just wonderful ?
I was standing in line at the checkout counter at WalMart and as I looked at the line behind me, I saw a couple of people talking
about what looked like identical new cell phones, bragging about the fact that their phones were free and so was the airtime.
The woman in line behind me had heard the same exchange and turned to the young man behind her and asked, 'Is that a new type of cell
phone?' The young man replied, 'Yes, this is my new Obama phone. She asked him what an Obama phone was, and he went on to say that,
'Welfare recipients are now eligible to receive what he described as (1) a FREE new cell phone, and (2) approximately 70 FREE minutes
of air time every month.'
Needless to say, I was a little skeptical about his answer, so when I got back home, I Googled it, and lo and behold, he was telling
the truth. This was what I discovered:
SafeLink Wireless is a government supported program that provides a free cell phone and airtime each month for income-eligible
customers. In other words, your tax dollars are being distributed to a wireless phone provider to provide welfare recipients with
free cell phones and airtime. I don't know about you, but as for me, enough is enough. We are $14 Trillion in debt, Congress is
balking at continuing unemployment payments to those who want to work, and Congress is increasing the dole-out to dead beats.
The above email is from some cracker on my email, but I'm in!
https://www.safelinkwireless.com/EnrollmentPublic/Home.aspx
Monday, March 28, 2011
Irish Joke # 1001
An answer I can Understand.
A tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall
Backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forward, they'd still be in the fuckin boat."
A tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall
Backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forward, they'd still be in the fuckin boat."
Friday, March 25, 2011
If you marry an Irish girl
by Irish Craic on Tuesday, March 22, 2011 at 1:29pm
IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL
The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do
the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third
day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that
she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he
didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third
day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge
dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house
clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the
table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the
second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and
his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the
dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
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