Driving in New Jersey...

 

Seriously, there are only two things needed to drive effectively in NJ:   A horn and a middle finger.  Everything else is superfluous, including knowing where you are going.                                               For those of you who live in Jersey or have lived there, these things may come as no surprise.  For those who haven't travelled there before,  Beware, Be Prepared and Be Afraid,,,, Be Very Afraid.                      1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Nork - rhymes with Fork, not New-ark.  Also, Trenton is not pronounced Tren-ton, it is Trent-in.                                                                  2. The morning rush hour is from 5 AM to NOON. The evening rush hour is from NOON to 7 PM.   Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.      3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the parkway it's 105 or 110.  Anything less is considered "Sissy.." (Just ask the former Governor of NJ)                                                    4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules.   For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop;  the trucks with the biggest tires go second; However, in Monmouth and Burlington counties, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.                        5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.                                                    6. Never honk at anyone.  EVER !  Seriously.  It's another offense that can get you shot.                                                          7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey .  Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.                                                                  8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the homeless feeding on any of these items.  9. MapQuest does NOT work here -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike EZ Pass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.          10. If someone actually has their Turn Signal ON, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."                                                                11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered  a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.  If you return the flip, you'll be shot.                                    12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday appointments, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.                      SAFE DRIVING ! ! !

 

http://www.boredville.com/32146/All-The-Wrinkled-Ladies

Beyonce Spoof

Jersey Tomato

An old Italian lived alone inNew Jersey    He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.   His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:   Dear Vincent,   I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant  my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would  be over. I know you would be happy to dig  the plot for me , like in the old days.  Love, Papa   A few days later he received a letter from his son.   Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.  Love, Vinnie   At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived  and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old manï and left.   Thatï same day the old man received another letter from his son.   Dear Pop,    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.  That's the best I could do under the circumstances.  Love you,  Vinnie

Funny Videos

FRUITCAKELADY1.wmv

howpilotsSHOULDtalk!.wmv

Brains.wmv

 

Subject: Origins of the Human race A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"  Her mother answered, "God  made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her dad the same question.  Her dad answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mother, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"   The mother answered, "Well, Dear, it's very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.."

When you die in Alabammy...

THE MEMORIAL STONE

Billy died.... His will provided $30,000 for this elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jonelle.
"Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jonelle, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Joyce .. "Thirty thousand dollars."

"No!" Jonelle exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Joyce answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The whiskey, wine, food and snacks were another $500.. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Jonelle quickly computed the total of $7,500 and said "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"

Joyce answered, "Two and a half carats
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Best Smart Ass Answers

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2009!! (I guess there aren't any for 2010)

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.

The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'

The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.