In lieu of a Retirement Home...

No NURSING HOME FOR me!!! No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn! With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.  I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $59.23 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon. That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.$5 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii ? They have Holiday Inn there too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more could I ask for? So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin. AIDS WARNING! To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you...... SENIOR CITIZENS  ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS! HEARING AIDS  BAND AIDS  ROLL AIDS  WALKING AIDS  MEDICAL AIDS  GOVERNMENT AIDS  MOST OF ALL,  MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!  Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing) I'm only sending this to my 'old' friends. I love to see you smile.

 

Remember Land Shark? Well, now there's Nigerian Money Gram!

ALERT!!! WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER UPDATE

From:	Dominic Amel
To:

---

Attention,

After proper and several investigations at Western Union and MoneyGram Offices, we found your name in Western Union database among those that have sent money through

Western Union to Nigeria and this proved that you have truly been swindled by those unscrupulous persons by sending money to them through Western Union/MoneyGram in the course of

getting one fund or the other that is not real, right now we are working hand in hand with Western Union to track every fraudsters down, Do not respond to their e-mails, letters

and phone calls any longer as they are scammers and you should be very careful. Avoid being a victim to fraudsters any longer because they have nothing to offer you but to rip-

off what you have worked earnestly hard to earn.

In this regard a meeting was held between the Board of Directors of The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) and as a result of our investigations, it was agreed

that the sum of sixty thousand US Dollars (US$60,000.00) should be transferred to you out of the funds that Federal Government of Nigeria has set aside as compensation to

everyone who have by one way or the other sent money to fraudsters in Nigeria.

***Please note that we will no longer be liable for any loss, cost or expense whatsoever, suffered or incurred by you in connection with fraudsters.
Be warned!
We have deposited your fund at Western Union Money Transfer agent location EMS Post office Lagos, Nigeria.
We have submitted your details to them so that your fund can be transferred to you. We have also insured your fund to avoid misappropriation.

Contact the Western Union agent office through the email address stated below;

wu_payout@w.cn


Yours sincerely,
Dominic Amel,
Investigation Officer.
******************************************************************************************************************
Please note that e-mails, letters and phone calls are currently been made to unsuspecting persons by fraudsters
claiming to have access to their funds. Everyday, people throughout the world are falling victim to scams of one
way or the other. It could be an unexpected prize draw or lottery win, or a chance to invest in an exciting new
money-making or investment programme . In the circumstance, we unreservedly advice you to dissociate yourself
from all correspondence and transactions entered into based on evidently fraudulent and fictitious claims.
******************************************************************************************************************

Link to Laugh

thechive.com

Found this on Facebook...

S0, what do you think this says about the world ?

Working Out!

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, I  purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.  Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. ________________________________ MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!! Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! ________________________________ TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!  It's a whole new life for me. _______________________________ WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  He said some other shit too. _______________________________ THURSDAY: Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.  He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank. _________________________________ FRIDAY: I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor.  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Christo wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? ________________________________ SATURDAY: Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.. ________________________________ SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.  I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!